


Thought I'd never see you again

by Oo_Faith_oO



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Allison's still alive and happy, Alpha Derek, Alpha Scott, Bad break-up, But will continue, Derek and Stiles need to learn how to talk, Lydia is amazing as usual, M/M, On Hiatus, Then, Underage Kissing, Underage Sex, i warned you, magic rituals involving blood, more tags as I go along, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:58:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1762391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oo_Faith_oO/pseuds/Oo_Faith_oO
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a bad break-up and 5 years away from Beacon Hills, Stiles comes back because the pack needs his emissary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kinda going through a difficult moment right now and writing this is helping me a lot.  
> This is my first time publishing something sterek, which is weird because I write a lot of ficlets but they never see the light of day.  
> This is supposed to be a multichaptered story, I have more written but it still needs some work.  
> English is not my first language so point it out if something feels off.

Stiles pulled into the driveway of his childhood house and turned off the engine. He remained seated for a long time trying to summon enough courage to get out of the car. He could just go home instead, he didn't owe his friends, him or his pack anything, he could just go. But something inside him was keeping him petrified in his car, unable to move backwards or forwards. So he waited there for his father to notice the car. He saw the curtains on the kitchen window move and his father's smiling face appear.

Here we go, he said to himself.

Stiles stepped out of his highly refrigerated car into the California heat. And just like that, he was home. He hadn't come back in Beacon Hills for five whole years, but it all looked exactly the same, the steps leading to the main door, the bushes were bigger but still familiar. The door sprung open and a smiling sheriff ran out and embraced his son.

“Stiles!” he hugged his son tightly. “I was expecting you after lunch!” the words muffled by the embrace. “you didn't rush in the highway right?” he pulled away and his eyes were slightly teary but shone with happiness.

Stiles smiled back. “no dad, I just left really early”

“Come in, you must be exhausted!” he put an arm around his son and lead him into the house.

The sheriff went immediately into the kitchen to get his son something cool to drink, leaving Stiles in the hallway where he put down the small bag he carried.

The smell of his house overwhelmed him, he looked around taking everything in. A million memories hit him in a moment and Stiles had to pause. For a moment he was the 19 year old who ran out of Beacon Hills, this house held the memories of teenage Stiles intact like the day he left. Out there in the real world it was easy to forget the horrors that he went through and endured between these walls. Every crack and every indentation on the floor reminded him of something, a monster, a spell, a creature he fought with his friends.

And then him, everything reminded Stiles of him like he was there beside him right now.

His dad voice coming from the kitchen brought him back to reality. No, he was over all that now. He had a life outside of the small city, a life in which he thrived, was happy and safe.

“Coming dad.” the young man sat at the small table in front of his father and drank the lemonade he offered him.

“So, how's everything? I feel like we haven't spoken in months!” The sheriff asked anxious to know more about his son. His son that had moved away so suddenly and had changed so much he felt he didn't know him anymore. Gone was the hyperactive kid he knew and loved, the man sitting in front of him didn't fidget and was instead weirdly still, his face hard and expressionless. For a moment the sheriff was reminded of the days when the spirit of a Japanese fox had invaded his son's body and Stiles had become someone else. He had visited him for his university graduation but even then his son had felt different.

“We spoke last week dad.” Stiles answered keeping his eyes on the half empty glass. “Looks like I might get this internship at that local newspaper I told you about. It may not be much, but it's a good way to start. Learn the ropes in a small newspaper before moving to something bigger.”

Stiles' voice was even and calm, void of that excitement that used to characterize him. That made Stiles, Stiles. The sheriff noticed it but didn't comment on it choosing instead to believe his son was tired from his trip and unwilling to answer a curious father's questions.

“That's amazing son! I knew you'd do great!” he tried to show excitement for the both of them.

“How are things with Melissa? Scott told me she practically moved in here” Stiles said tackling one of the elephants in the room. He was so beyond happy his father and Melissa finally found each other and in truth it lifted a huge weight off his shoulders thinking that he wasn't alone.

Stiles smiled to himself as the sheriff actually blushed at the mention of Scott's mother. “Things are great... and I wanted to talk to you about her moving in before we made things official. This is still your home too.” 

“Dad, I couldn't be happier for you too. Truly.” he said touching resting his hand on his fathers. He still wore his and his mother's wedding ring though. Stiles imagined that he felt like he was betraying her somehow by moving on. He had felt the same the first few months after leaving Beacon Hills... he still felt that way. “you're perfect for each other.”

The ringing of the phone broke the awkward silence that followed, the sheriff noticed Stiles jump at the sudden noise. He rose to answer, the small screen indicated Scott calling, no doubt to see if Stiles had arrived yet. “It's Scott, he'll want to know if you've arrived safely.”

Stiles jerked in response and rose quickly. “Tell him I'll be at his house in an hour, I want to shower first.” Now that Melissa had practically moved into the Stilinski house, Scott and Allison were living there together.

“You don't want to talk to him?”

“No, tell him I'll see him soon.”And with that he exited the kitchen and took the stairs two at the time and rushed to his bedroom shutting the door. Jeez, he felt 16 all over again. Hiding in his room.

He leaned against the closed door keeping his eyes shut. This room would be the worst of all, he already knew. He dreaded opening his eyes. So for a moment he kept them closed trying to calm his breathing, it didn't help much though, when with every breath came all the memories that his teenage bedroom held.

Slowly he opened his eyes, preparing himself for the onslaught of memories that would inevitably flood his mind.

The first thing he saw was the window, then his desk and chair and then his gaze lingered on the bed. The force of everything had him slide down the door, he sat curled on in a ball against the door waiting for the tears to finish stream down his cheeks and dry themselves. Of course his brain would bring back _that_ memory now.

-o-

_5 years earlier_

_“Damn it Derek where are you?” Stiles swore walking back and forth in front of the opened window checking his phone for the one-hundredth time. He had been waiting and pacing for almost two hours, the wounds on his face and body completely forgotten. Why the hell had he listened to Derek and ran away, he could have helped, he could have done something, he could..._

_The hand clutching the window sill had him jump 3 feet in the air._

_“oh thank God!” Stiles ran to the window and helped a wounded Derek into his room. “Thank God you're okay... are you okay?”_

_The man could barely stand but nodded and smiled weakly at him. “no you're definitely not okay. Damn it Derek you're bleeding! Lie down on the bed, I'll take the first-aid kit.”_

_He helped the man lie on the bed and ran out, he was back half a minute later. He locked the door and dropped the supplies on the bed. Ready to disinfect, stitch or do whatever was necessary this time to keep him alive._

_Derek's hand touched Stiles' cheek making him pause. “you're okay?” his voice was rugged and just above a whisper. Stiles paused and put his smaller hand over Derek's bigger one and nodded. Then the hand dropped as Derek fainted._

_S_ _tiles didn't panic, now that Derek knew he was safe he could rest and he was used to him fainting on him once he had reached his room._

_Stiles raised his shirt to reveal the deep but healing wound, it didn't look deep. The worst was on his arms and legs. So he slowly undressed him leaving him in only his boxers. He cleaned the wounds and scratches, rinsed the blood from the flesh where the wounds had already healed. Then covered his body with the sheet and lied down next to him, his hand touching one of the few uninjured parts of his arm. With the small connection telling him Derek was close and safe, Stiles fell asleep._

_The feeling of being watched woke him, he stirred and opened his eyes meeting Derek's deep green ones. He was right, Derek was watching him. He was lying on one side his head on one hand, the other arm around Stiles' middle._

_“you know, you watching me sleep is kinda creepy...” he said mockingly but stopped at the serious face of his boyfriend._

_“you lied last night, you're hurt.” he scolded him._

_“_ _they're just scratches Der, I'll be fine.” he reassured him stroking the side of his face. A low rumble echoed in Derek's chest as he leaned into the touch. “You, on the other hand were a mess last night. Everything's healed?” he asked worried remembering how bad he had looked._

_“they're just scratches Stiles, I'll be fine.” he echoed and smiled. The teen snuggled closer using Derek's uninjured shoulder as pillow and tangling their legs together, their hands intertwined on Derek's stomach._

_They stayed like that for a while, breathing slowly and enjoying the closeness and the quiet moment. Then Stiles being Stiles spoke though softly but firmly tilting his face up so he could see the other man's face “you had me worried you know. Don't you ever use an alpha order on me again, I don't know how they'd work on a human, but they do and it's so ann... mmh”_

_Derek silenced him putting his lips on his and for a few moments the beating of their hears was all that could be heard in the room as their mouths moved together. Slowly Derek moved them so that he was on top, his arms bracketing Stiles' smaller frame._

_“it's because you're pack” he explained without his lips never leaving the boy's skin, tracing the underside of his jaw. “and I love you, so your safety comes first” the last part came out muffled as Derek buried his face in Stiles' neck breathing him in._

_The teen stopped for a moment then he pushed Derek gently away so he could look at him.“wait, what?”_

_Derek narrowed his eyes suddenly realizing what he had said and Stiles swore he could see a faint blush behind his stubble. “you're pack, that shouldn't be news.”_

_“No you idiot, I know that!” he lowered his voice and had to take a breath before speaking again “I mean the other thing.”_

_They looked into each other eyes without speaking for a long time. Derek opened and closed his mouth multiple times. It came so naturally to say it, and it was ridiculously true. So why couldn't he say it?_

_“I love you too Der” Stiles finally whispered, taking Derek out of his misery._

_They kissed then, first softly then the passion that always ran high between them took over and soon sheets were pushed aside and the few clothes they had on were forgotten somewhere on the bed._


	2. Chapter 2

The scene played painfully and vividly in Stiles' head. The way Derek's touch was careful to avoid the wounds on Stiles' body and the way he could make his body come alive. That morning Derek took his time worshiping Stiles' body and slowly opening him up for him. When he was finally inside the boy, Stiles asked him to wait wanting to take in the moment. The feeling of having this wonderful creature that he loved, and that loved him, inside of him. He could never get enough of it. They came together that time. Staying connected long after they finished, their bodies sweaty and gross but not caring. 

 

“Stiles! You okay in there?” the sheriff yelled from the hallway. Stiles quickly rose to his feet shaking the memory away, he brushed his face with the bottom of his sleeves and opened the door to his father.

 

“yeah, I'll just take a shower” he headed to the small bathroom avoiding his father's gaze.

 

Once in the shower he let the scalding water run over his body, trying desperately to burn away the images that were forever branded behind his eyelids.

 

Coming back had been a mistake, he knew that the moment he stepped into the house. But he gave his word to Scott, so he couldn't back down now. Even if the worst was still to come, he'd see him in less than an hour. All those days spent trying to forget him, to replace the memory of his body sliding over him, inside him. He had never bottomed for anyone after him. Never could open himself up physically or emotionally like that to anyone else. There had been others, countless faceless bodies who had been able to only numb the memory of him but never erase it.

 

He looked at himself in the mirror as he toweled himself dry, the marks of the deals struck between packs to keep the peace still evident on his arms and upper back. The scars were white now and barely noticeable to the naked eye but Stiles knew they were there. And to him they stood evident, palest than his pale skin. He traced the first one he took on his right arm with his fingers and exhaled. It had been all over until a week ago... it could still be over if he wanted to. But did he want it to be over?

 

He shook the question away from his head and went back into his bedroom instead with only a towel around his waist, his brain going on autopilot. Without looking at the bed he took the bag from the floor and emptied it on top of the dresser, took the fresh clothes he needed and walked out without looking back.

 

“Dad I'm going!” he announced climbing down the stairs.

 

“Hold on son” the sheriff stopped him as he was about to walk out the door. Took a deep breath and said the words he had been holding in from the moment Stiles stepped into the house “you don't have to do this, you know that right? You don't owe them and him nothing anymore”

 

Stiles looked at his father, the wrinkles on his forehead more visible as the years passed, his eyes ever more tired as he saw his son face the unknown once more.

 

“I know I don't have to dad, but you're wrong in thinking I don't owe them, him, anything. If I can live my life it's thanks to them too. And if I have to resume my role once more to keep the peace, I'll do it.”

With that he squeezed the hand that was holding his arm and walked out the door. Feeling much less sure about what he was about to do that he seemed to his dad.

 

He drove the familiar road to Scott's house without thinking about it. He parked and waited. He could do this, he had done it before. He could shove all his feeling on the back of his head for a few hours, then he could break down when he was alone.

 

He was inside, he would see him. No dreams, or nightmares, this time. No possibility of waking up. No fantasies. No pretending it was his body in a dark room. He would smell his scent and feel his gaze on him. He would...

 

“Stiles! You're here!” Lydia high-pitched voice drew him back from his dark thoughts. He smiled despite himself, how could he not when she was smiling at him so wholeheartedly and waiting for him to open the door.

 

He climbed out and embraced her, her hair smelled exactly the same as the last time she hugged him at graduation a few weeks before. She had been the only one to come, other than his father. Scott had been busy dealing with this problem, Allison was on hunter duties helping him. And none of the other betas would dream of leaving the territory with a threat so close.

 

Lydia hugged him closer and whispered softly in his ear “He's not here, so you can relax.” For a moment Stiles didn't understand, how could he not be here? He was Scott's second. In a pack meeting this important, he had to be here... right?

 

He looked at her bewildered but felt a tension he didn't know he was feeling leaving his muscles. She was about to say something else but Scott came down the front stairs and interrupted her. He hugged his best friend, he didn't even know how long had been since he last saw him. His hair was longer, his eyes somber and his muscles bulkier.

 

“How are you buddy?” he asked as he patted him on the back. It was Allison's turn then, her belly round but not overly so.

 

“I'm good, and how are my sister-in-law and niece doing?” Stiles asked as he hugged Allison and then framed her small baby bump.

 

“We're both very good, thanks Stiles. You too look good.” she said unconvincingly. She too had noticed something off but couldn't really place it.

 

“Come on let's get inside, we're melting out here.” Lydia said leading them inside.

 

Stiles entered the room and smiled to himself. This house held as many memories as his own but as bad as some of them were, none were tainted intimately by him. He breathed in the smell of something cooking, Allison noticed.

 

“Yes, it's lasagna you're smelling but don't get your hopes up. I made it so I make no promises on how it turned out. I'm no Melissa you know...”

 

He smiled fondly at her “We'll give you extra points for effort then.”

 

“Oh, don't listen to her, she's a great cook!” Scott hugged his wife from behind resting his chin on her shoulder.

 

Stiles felt a spike of pain flare in his chest at the display of affection. He missed that, the meaningless touching, the feeling of wholeness at having another body close to yours. Lydia small hand slipped in his and squeezed. He looked at her and she smiled. She had to know how he felt.

 

Immediately an old guilt washed over him, it was his fault Aiden died. He still had nightmares about giving the Oni the order to kill. Stiles didn't know Lydia still missed Aiden, but evidently she did.

 

“This won't be ready for a good half an hour yet, let's fill Stiles in shall we?” Allison suggested.

 

In silence they all moved to the living room and sat down on the couches. Lydia sat next to Stiles and kept him close, a hand on his arm.

 

The truth was that Lydia did miss Aiden, but that pain was just a dull ache now that presented itself when triggered. What moved her to Stiles was the emptiness in the eyes of the boy, now man. Those eyes that once shone with infatuation for her and then with love for Derek, they were now dead. Lydia recognized the emptiness she once felt. That numbness that helped her through the first months after Aiden's death. But years had passed since the two boys had split up. So why Stiles was still in such a state? Lydia never could understand their break-up, harsh and devastating as it had been for the both of them. Stiles had move out of state for God's sake, and Derek had receded into that dark empty shell of a person he had been when they all first met. He was always there at Scott's side, being the perfect second in command but his eyes were empty and always void of any emotion. They were always fixed on something, like he had to concentrate every second to remind himself how to breathe. Lydia never had the familiarity with Derek to talk to him about it, but she noticed nonetheless. She had tried to talk to Stiles about it but at the mere mention of his name, he'd close off completely and avoided the subject. After a while she got the hint and stopped trying. She always mentioned when she and Stiles skyped or emailed each other that everyone else was doing well. Just so Stiles could know without having to ask.

 

When Lydia came out of his thoughts Scott and Stiles were deep into discussion about pack strategies. Lydia's gaze met Allison's and they both smiled, it felt like he never left... that minus Derek's presence ever by his side.

 

“that seems like the best course of action but I'll have to ask Derek if he's okay with it” Scott added matter-of-factly. He could not make such an important decision without his second's blessing.

 

Stiles' eyes narrowed as Scott mentioned the name, he was glad he wasn't there but still it felt beyond weird that he'd miss a pack meeting for whatever the reason.

 

“Guys, food's getting cold!” Allison called from the kitchen interrupting the silence. They all went to eat and didn't mention his name again for the rest of the afternoon.

 

 

-o-

 

“ _They said they'll only talk to the pack emissary... too bad we don't have one!” Derek yelled pacing back and forth the whole length of the loft. His eyes flashing red for a moment._

 

“ _Deaton said he'd fill in the role for now but we still need to find a permanent emissary if we want to make things official” Lydia offered._

 

_Scott, Isaac, Allison, Stiles and Lydia were all sitting around the loft, these pack meetings were a pain. Especially when something big was happening around the territory they had claimed._

 

“ _According to Deaton this is one very old pack and very old-fashioned. They won't trust the alpha or any betas to go and even talk to them. Only a human wouldn't threaten them, and we have to show good faith” Stiles replied not looking up from the huge book he was flipping through._

 

“ _If only we had a human in our pack willing to do the job...” Allison said mockingly finally addressing the elephant in the room. It was obvious to the whole pack other than Derek what their natural course of action should be. Stiles nodded to himself and looked at Derek watching him in his peripheral vision._

 

_ Derek turned around to glare at her, his eyes menacingly red as they flashed at her. “NO WAY!” he growled, his fangs elongating. Stiles and Scott were immediately between them. Allison was not afraid of him but she should have been, Derek was beyond himself at the mere thought of putting Stiles in even more danger.  _

 

“ _Derek back off!” Scott yelled his eyes flashed orange. They weren't beta yellow anymore, the red underneath ever pushing to come out._

 

“ _Der, calm down please.” Stiles whispered his hands on both sides of Derek's face._

 

“ _Guys, I think you should all leave. We can finish this another time when we've all calmed down.”_

_ Stiles suggested looking around the room but his hands never leaving Derek's skin. He knew the contact kept Derek calm and anchored to his humanity. _

 

_ Everyone left in silence, leaving the two staring at each other. When Derek's eyes returned to normal Stiles went to sit on the couch, his head in his hands. _

 

“ _Der...” Stiles started, readying himself for the fight of a lifetime. There was only one way out of this mess, and he had to make Derek see that. He could be stubborn but in the end he'd do what's best for the pack._

 

_ What Stiles didn't expect when he saw Derek walking to him was to see him kneeling and burying his face in Stiles' lap. His body shaking. _

 

“ _Please don't...” his broken voice came out muffled, Stiles waved his long fingers in the man's hair and scratched the scalp lightly, trying to calm him down. This wasn't anger, it was pure unadulterated fear._

 

_ After a while Derek turned his face to the side so he could talk. “If you do this you'll be in twice the danger, everyone who's around us can tell we're together and will try to use that against me. You being the pack's emissary will put you even more in the spotlight. You'll be under constant threat. And I know you could handle that but I can't. If something, anything, were to happen to you it'd destroy me. Can't you see that? And I can't... I just can't.”  _

 

_ He spoke slowly, choosing carefully every word. Trying to make his brave but pigheaded boyfriend understand. But in his heart he knew already. Despite the love he knew Stiles felt for him, his damn nobility and unwillingness to let people be in unnecessary danger would overcome anything else. _

 

_ Derek knew all that but still he had to try so he added. “Please, if there's anything I can say or do to make you change your mind about doing this, say it and I'll do it.” _

 

_ Stiles breathed for a moment. He loved Derek, that much was clear to him, and because he loved him he could not not do this for him. Be the emissary to his pack, even if that coupled with being the closest to him exposed him to danger. He'd fight him on this but the alpha in him would eventually see his reasons in the end. _

 

_ He took the man's face in both his hands and leveled his eyes with Derek's deep green ones. _

 

_ Derek could already see he had lost, the determination in Stiles' beautiful hazel eyes spoke of love, loyalty and duty. Not surrender. _

 

“ _I know you love me, and because of that you know why I have to do this. Why you have to let me do this. I wouldn't be the person you love otherwise”. Derek knew that, the very things he loved most about Stiles were the things that put him in danger._

 

_ Derek rose and sat next to the teen keeping their hands intertwined. “Ok then.” his voice suddenly hard and businesslike despite the grip on Stiles' hands. “but we'll play it extremely safe, my scent can't be on you more than it normally would if I were just your alpha. So we can be around each other but we won't touch. Not until this is all done.” _

 

_ Stiles face lit up at his words and hugged the man. “Stiles, what did I just say?” Derek complained trying to push him away. _

 

“ _Can we start tomorrow though?” the teen whispered, a wicked spark in his eyes. Derek launched at him making him lie down on the couch_

 

_ Derek didn't answer choosing instead to attach his lips at Stiles' neck, sucking lightly careful not to leave any marks on him. The teen's hands going at his back and down at the hem of his shirt lifting it so he could touch skin. Derek took the hint and took it off quickly and then returned to cover the teen's body completely. Stiles loved feeling the muscles in Derek's back ripple as he moved up and down his body, when he couldn't stand any more layers between them either he pushed Derek lightly to give himself room to take off his t-shirt and hoodie at the same time. _

 

_ Derek's strong touch always had his heartbeat skyrocket, it wasn't exactly rough but not always gentle either. Especially when a situation put one or both of them in danger, the need to feel the other one alive and breathing was sometimes too much. They often both ended up with scratches on their backs, arms or legs.  _

 

_ Derek was holding Stiles by the hips to stop him from rutting on him, he wanted this to last. Instead with one hand he popped the button and opened the zipper of Stiles' jeans.  _

 

“ _Derek if you don't get me out of these pants right now...” Stiles moaned frustrated, a teen could only take so much. And kissing was great and all but he needed more, especially if this was the last time they would be like this in god know how long._

 

“ _I got you, don't worry.” He whispered as his hand pushed down both the jeans and boxers making them slide down to Stiles' thighs. Not being constricted in the clothes alone felt amazing but Stiles' hadn't fully time to appreciate the freedom as Derek's body slid down, getting rid of the pants that still clung to the teen's legs in the process. Stiles' breath hitched as Derek eased his legs open and leaned in, his mouth on Stiles' belly button the tongue licking and teasing. Stiles pushed his head back and tried to breathe as he forced himself not to push Derek down on where he wanted him. His stubble alone brushing on inner thigh made Stiles quiver with need, he was trashing arching and unarching his back in attempt to get Derek closer._

 

“ _Derek please, stop teasing...” he barely recognized his voice, it got incredibly high-pitched everytime Derek took his time to really take him apart until his brain was a whirlwind of sensations making it hard for him form any kind of coherent sentence. “you're... evil..” Stiles panted._

 

_ But Derek was nowhere near satisfied, wetting a finger in his mouth he began playing on the stretch of skin behind Stiles' balls. Stiles' sharp intake of breath was his reward, when he got to his hole he played around it, teasing caressing but never pushing it enjoying the sight of it clenching and unclenching in need. _

 

“ _God Derek please, touch me. Please.” As always it was the pleading and the broken voice that got Derek and in one smooth movement took Stiles' length in his mouth and pushed a wet finger in._

 

_ Stiles screamed at the onslaught of sensations wrecking his body, he was shaking incontrollably his brain reduced to mush because Derek wasn't letting him recover. He kept moving his mouth and his finger slowly but unrelentless, enjoying Stiles' many sounds until they got even more high-pitched and desperate, Stiles cried a strangled cry and his whole body tensed and then released. _

 

_ He laid there useless for a few moments then his hands searched Derek's hair and brought him up to kiss him. It was sloppy but Stiles' brain wasn't still functioning properly. He slowly recovered and basked in the after glow his body sticky with sweat and other fluids Derek wasn't able to catch. He then opened his eyes to find Derek adoring him, there wasn't another word Stiles could find for the way the man was looking at him.  _

 

“ _You know you watching me like that it's kinda creepy” he whispered his eyes closing again. When they reopened Derek's face was a mixture of ashamed and guilty._

 

_ Sometimes he just couldn't help staring at the teen, he still couldn't believe the boy loved him. Sometimes he just looked at him and a shiver would run through him like fear, fear to wake up and realize this was all a dream. That he was just a dream and he was still the lonely wolf that nobody cared enough to get to know and love. _

 

“ _hey hey, don't get this the wrong way,” he added quickly taking his head in his hands and forcing the man to look at him so he could see he was telling the truth “I like the way you look at me. Like really like it, it's a huge turn on so keep staring away please.”_

 

“ _You're incredible” Derek murmured hiding in the crook of his neck and breathing him in. Then they were kissing again. This time Stiles brain had recovered and he kissed back enthusiastically._

 

“ _You're about to see how incredible I am... it's payback time buddy” Stiles said pushing a smiling Derek back to lie on the couch and settling between his thighs. Teasing wasn't really his style but he could drag this out and make the build up so slow that was enough to drive Derek crazy. More than once he had noticed his nails elongating and shredding whatever fabric they were laying onto. His eyes were usually closed but Stiles would bet they were red._

 

_ He got Derek's pants and boxers out of the way and got comfortable in between the man's legs. Derek's reached for his face making him look up at him, the teen's eyes shone and his lips were red, for a moment he took the grown man's breath away. It was hard to believe Stiles wanted him as much as he wanted him. He brushed the teen's lips with his thumb and Stiles bit it teasing.  _

 

_ Then Stiles spread his hands on Derek's stomach as he took him in his mouth, his gag reflex was still a bother so he used his hand to cover what he couldn't take. Derek never seemed to mind, on the contrary his breathing was already ragged as the teen slowly licked him. Stiles was the king of slow, he could drag it out for hours always keeping Derek at the edge but always pulling back when he felt he was about to come.  _

 

_ When Stiles finally let him come they laid together spent. The teen laying on Derek's chest listening to his breathing return to normal and enjoying the soothing rise and fall, his scent strong and heady.  _

 

“ _I'm gonna miss this” Stiles murmured._

 

“ _Me too...” Derek whispered threading his fingers in Stiles' hair. His mind wandering and the worry he had managed to put aside taking a hold of his heart once again._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the story so far.  
> The text in italics is of course flashbacks and they are not in timeline's order as I'm using them to explore what's going on in the characters' heads at the time. They're all around the same time though, they start right about the time season 3B ends and go from there. So about 5-6 years prior to the main events. At the end of the story you'll be able to put them together like a puzzle and figure out what happened in the past.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Stiles left Scott's house at dusk, the sun barely under the horizon. He had been invited to stay for dinner but wanting to spend some time with his father. He got in his car and breathed the clean air for a while. He swore being around werewolves you picked some of their skills, Stiles' sense of smell sometimes could be overwhelming as it always brought with it memories. Scott's house had been better than his, but still full of images that kept snaking their way in his head as he talked with his friends. The clean air of the car was a relief. 

 

Something felt off though. As emissary he could always feel the members of the pack when they were close, sometimes even when they were feeling strong emotions like fear or love. But he suddenly realized he had felt nothing all afternoon. Maybe he was just tired and had been away from the pack for too long, they'd be together again tomorrow and he could see if the ties were still there or something was off.

 

He made his way to his house and stopped at a red light. The irony of things still struck him sometimes, this crossroad was the one he had to turn at in order to get to his loft. He was tempted... he knew that at some point he would have to see him, he and him and the whole pack could try to avoid it as much as they wanted but at some point they would have to be in the same room together. 

He brushed the signaling level with his fingertips thinking... he could go to him and have whatever big reunion they were supposed to have, alone.

 

But a rushing feeling of fear came over him, he remembered this, the feeling of helplessness that petrified him, his chest constricting. He hadn't had a panic attack in a very long time but he remembered this. He took his hand away from the level and back on the wheel clutching it hard. He emptied his head from any thought of him or anyone else. He breathed deep in for 7 seconds then out for 11, old habits kicking in and slowly his breathing calmed down. 

 

Thank God this was a shortcut he had learned years ago and was very lowly trafficked. Without looking back at the road that lead to him, he pushed the gas pedal down and went home.

 

“Dad I'm back” Stiles shouted once inside the house. His father face peeked from the kitchen door, smiling.

 

“Oh that's good, I was about to re-heat some of the food Melissa cooked. She knows I'm hopeless so she prepares a whole lot of food so I can eat when she has a night shift.” Stiles' heart warmed at the idea someone was taking care of his father. 

 

The sheriff took two beers from the fridge and offered one to his son. “Seen that you're legal and all now...” Stiles smiled at that, he didn't know he'd been drinking his beers years before he was 21.

 

“So, how was the meeting?” the sheriff asked. 

 

“Good, we laid down some basic strategy but Scott said he should talk to Der-” his voice faltered. He hadn't said his name in so long it felt foreign on his tongue. For the longest time he had forbid himself to even think it “... to the rest of the pack before doing anything more concrete”

 

The silence stretched between them until the microwaved beeped signaling that the food was ready. “mmh I'll take that.”

 

“So you'll take the role again?” the sheriff asked trying to hide his worry and failing. 

 

“Dad I explained that to you so many times I lost count.” Stiles began rolling his eyes and feeling irritated all of the sudden “It's not a role, it's who I am. I have what it takes and the pack chose me. And right now I'm the only one who can do it, they wouldn't have asked otherwise.” he explained. His father had never accepted him being the emissary.

 

They ate in silence after that. He loved Allison but Melissa's cooking was in a whole other league.

 

After they ate, the sheriff settled at the kitchen table with some files saying he had to work for a while and Stiles' sat on the couch flipping through the channels looking for something to watch.

 

They were doing a _The Tudors_ marathon, of course they were. As he watched Henry VIII fall in love with Anne Boleyn for the 100 th time the house became quiet, his father had gone to bed. Stiles' didn't even remember hearing him climbing up the stairs. The show was amazing in itself but involuntarily it brought Stiles' back in time to when he couldn't sleep, when his nights were spent trying not to fall asleep because sleep brought back nightmares of hospital hallways and twisting a katana into his best friend's chest. 

 

He remembered Scott trying to keep him company but they didn't like the same shows, Stiles' was a history buff while Scott preferred action so he frequently fell asleep on him. Then Derek started to show up along Scott, it was hard to tell whatever about him but apparently he liked history shows too. They started commenting on history points of view, political moves, accuracy of the plot and backgrounds and quickly Scott stopped showing up altogether leaving them alone to talk all night long. The sheriff never complained when it became an every night thing.

 

Stiles came to enjoy Derek's company in a whole new way, he didn't think the man could be so knowledgeable on so many things. He was evident he read a lot and as it turns out he was an history buff as well. Derek on the other hand had started coming along out of duty, he was the alpha of the pack after all. He was his job to take care of the pack and Stiles' despite everything, was pack. 

 

Scott was an alpha as well but didn't feel ready to lead the pack so in a very complicated ritual he passed his authority over to Derek, his eyes became yellow again and Derek's turned red once again. 

 

Never could he imagine to have so many things in common with the annoying teen, Derek had always tolerated him because he was Scott's friend and was pretty damn good with research but never thought he could actually like him. They agreed on just about everything and when they didn't it was fun to see the others point of view and remaining pleasurably surprised when the kid made some very nice points on the most random subjects.

 

At the scene where Anne and Henry finally slept together a shiver ran through Stiles and his brain involuntarily brought back the memory of the last time he saw that scene, in that very room.

 

-o-

 

“ _Jeez, finally! The sexual tension was killing me!” Stiles said as the two lovers on the screen rolled around on the forest floor._

 

_ Derek chuckled reaching for the popcorn bowl at the same time Stiles did. Their hands crashed in the middle and a weird current ran through them. They rarely touched, there wasn't really any need. He and Scott hugged at times but with Derek any kind of touch was often related to some kind of violence on him. And a random touch like that made the teen jump and their eyes met in the dark room. It was the weirdest thing for both of them, they stared into each others eyes smiling at the little incident but not drawing their eyes away.  _

 

_ Stiles was the first to break contact, they kept watching in silence and never mentioned the random touch or the weird current again.  _

 

_ A few days later it happened again, this time with the remote control. They both reached for it at the same time when the volume of the tv dropped after commercials. The current was there again, this time Stiles felt it even after they broke contact. Now he was kept awake not by the fear of nightmares but by how alive his body felt sitting a few inches from Derek's. He had to be feeling something too because sometimes Stiles caught him stealing sideways glances at him when he thought he was too into the movie to notice.  _

 

_ Things went about this way for a few days until one night Stiles felt sleepy and closed his eyes for a moment, his right hand dropping from his thigh to the couch and meeting Derek's. He didn't flinch this time, maybe his brain was to woozy to register what was happening. He felt Derek's hand move and stroke the back of his hand with his, just a gentle brush that sent shivers all over Stiles' body. It was relaxing though and his head lolled up to the side directly into Derek's shoulder, the sense of tranquility and warmth that immediately invaded him stopped him from snapping his head back up. He was feeling so safe slouching comfortably on his couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table and all his right side warm and tingly from the proximity to Derek's body. And the smell, the man's scent was powerful and heady, so strong being so close and evidently his shirt was soaked by Derek's cologne or natural scent or whatever it was. He actually thought he fell asleep at some point because this could only be a dream, Derek would never rest his own head on top of his, would he? The man was definitely not the affectionate kind but what was happening right now could only be defined as cuddling. Even more when he felt his stubble brushing at his temple, involuntarily he huddled closer seeking the warmth. He had to be dreaming. _

 

_ He was awoken by a loud noise coming from the tv, his head was still resting on Derek's shoulder but his was straight. He yawned and moaned stretching, he was so sleepy he couldn't be held accountable for his actions. So he moved his head, his nose brushed Derek's neck and he inhaled the stronger scent there, the man looked down at him and his hand came to rest on Stiles' cheek. Their eyes met. _

 

“ _Is this okay?” Derek whispered, his voice lower than Stiles ever heard it. Stiles just leaned into the touch his eyes closing at the warmth. Derek's hand was callous and soft at the same time, Stiles nodded smiling. It was just a dream right?_

 

_ So when they both leaned in and their foreheads touched Stiles was the calmest he'd ever been, they only breathed for a while sharing the same air. This was only just a dream, in dreams everything was allowed right? _

 

_ It was him who made the first move, mainly by instinct, bringing his lips to Derek's in the gentlest touch. Then they parted, shifted their bodies towards one another, Stiles brought one hand behind Derek's neck touching the soft hair there and leaned in again. It was chaste, just a brushing of lips with barely any tongue peeking out at the end of every peck. Then Stiles rested his head on Derek's shoulder once again and fell asleep. _

 

_ The next morning he woke up alone, so groggy from the first night of sound sleep in weeks. He was alone lying on the couch, on the coffee table a note from Derek. _

 

“ _We need to talk about last night. -D” Stiles read the note over and over again in disbelief. That had been a dream, it had not been real. The touching, the cuddling, the freaking kiss. The memory held a dream quality to Stiles but after a good half an hour staring at the note it hadn't faded away at all from his mind._

 

_ It was all true then. He had kissed Derek Hale and he had kissed him back. _

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay.

 

When Derek reached the Stilinski house it was almost midnight. He hid behind the trees on the other side of the street, watching and listening. He detected Stiles' heartbeat immediately in the living room, he was sitting on the sofa and he could hear the soft sounds coming from the tv, the sheriff was sound asleep upstairs. He felt like such a creep spying on him through the window like that, and he knew Stiles would eventually feel him out there but he couldn't help it. He had to see him, make sure he was okay.

 

He hadn't mustered enough courage to go to the pack meeting and had been feeling off all afternoon. Just knowing that he was in town had his senses tingling as always when he knew he was close. 

 

Their proximity didn't seem to bother Stiles though. Derek knew he was able to feel the members of the pack and if they were close enough and feeling strong enough emotions, he was even able to pick up on some of them. He could always do that, read them all like open books once he was officially their emissary. It was a useful trick in a pack full of so many different personalities and often he was the only one able to calm the spirits and mediate between all of them.

 

But now he seemed perfectly calm, his heartbeat and breathing was regular. Derek's heart dropped at that, not that he expected him to be excited or happy to see him but to not cause any reaction at all was maybe even worse. He seemed well, grown up and most of all, he looked like he was over him. Not the kid that left years earlier. There was something different in the set of his jaw, or maybe it was just not seeing him for a long time. He shifted his weight and his heart picked up when Stiles moved but was disappointed when he just rearranged on the couch. He really didn't feel anything for him anymore. He had lost him for good.

 

He kept watching him as a punishment, every minute of Stiles' steady heartbeat and breathing a knife in his chest. But he stayed there as a reminder of what he had lost, what he let himself lose. He had tried over the years to convince himself that letting him go had been the best thing for the kid, letting him have a normal college experience and maybe even a normal life. Something he could never had had if he remained in Beacon Hills. But the nagging feeling that he had lost something he could never find with someone else just kept eating at him and seeing him now just flared that feeling again. He watched him fall asleep on the couch, it was not a peaceful sleep though. The breathing that was so regular when awake became erratic and Derek realized that maybe the kid was not as fine as he looked.

 

Inside the house Stiles forced himself to change channel once he realized that rewatching _The Tudors_ was not going to be a good idea if he wanted to avoid one of his panic attacks. So he settled on a rerun of some action movie he had already seen and didn't like but it helped him to concentrate on his breathing instead. He closed his eyes and kept breathing in and out as many years of panic attacks had taught him until he could feel his heart beating steadily. 

 

Going up to bed didn't even cross his mind, he would never be able to fall asleep in his bedroom. If the memories that had attacked him that morning were any clue he'd be having nightmares or not sleep at all. So he remained on the couch, settled in a comfortable position and kept breathing until he eventually fell asleep.

 

That's where the sheriff found him the morning after. He watched his son sleeping for a while before waking him, he had looked so different from the kid he knew, so detached. But he knew his son too well, it was just a façade for sure. The kid cared too much about everything, despite him saying the contrary. He made coffee and only after that he woke his son. It was no surprise that he didn't sleep in his bedroom, he'd imagine that he held too many memories of Derek. The fact that he hadn't mention his former boyfriend not once was the clear evidence he still cared for the man, whether he was willing to admit it to himself or not. It would be able to talk about him otherwise. 

 

Stiles stirred at the smell of coffee and stretched. Weird dreams had haunted him all night, he saw every single member of the pack but they felt far from him. He remembered trying to reach them and failing, like they were on the other side of a glass. 

 

“hey kid, time to wake up!” his father voice seeped into still sleepy head and Stiles opened his eyes. 

 

“morning dad, thanks” he said as the sheriff handed him a steaming cup of coffee. 

 

“I'm heading down to the station now, soon Melissa will be home from her shift.” he informed him “See you when I get back, okay?” Stiles nodded still not completely awake.

 

His mind was elsewhere. The dream reminded him of something... and then it hit him. He remembered coming back from the meeting and realizing he was not able to feel the members of the pack. That couldn't be right. He put the mug down and picked up his phone calling Scott.

 

“Hey dude, good morning!” Scott answered sleepily.

 

“hey, sorry to wake you.” Stiles apologized, it was probably pretty early “I realized something from last night and I had to call you”

 

Scott was instantly more awake “what's up?”

 

“I realized I wasn't able to feel any of you last night. I didn't pick up on any emotion, I couldn't even feel your presence. Dude, that's really weird.”

 

Scott was silent on the other end of the line “Scott, are you there? I'm worried here.”

 

“yeah, yeah, I'm here. It's just... Deaton warned me that could happen. You being away from the pack for so long and severing your most deep connection with one of us could... let's say severing your connection with all of us too.”

 

Stiles hands started to sweat, his heartbeat picked up. “so what now?”

 

“We should talk to Deaton... can you meet me at the animal clinic in an hour? I need to call Derek. He should be there too.” 

 

Stiles almost chocked. “Sure, sure. I understand. I'll meet you there.” he heard Scott hang up but remained petrified on the spot.

 

Leaving had been a mistake, he may have ruined everything by walking away. He absentmindedly touched the marks on his skin, they were almost impossible to see against his pale skin but if he pressed he could feel the scars, the magic that still ran through them. They were still valid or otherwise they would have disappeared so he was still an emissary but why then did he feel so detached from the pack? He couldn't reach the first scar that marked him as an emissary but he could sense it to be weaker than the others. Was he jeopardizing all the work that had gone into keeping the peace by staying away? He had to talk to Deaton, reconstitute the ties to the pack somehow. Even if that meant being tied to him again.

 

He rose from the couch and went to take a shower. Mentally preparing himself for whatever came next.

 

-o-

 

“ _I'm going to ask you one last time... are you absolutely sure you want to do this? There will be no turning back after this.” Deaton's voice was somber._

 

_ Stiles' eyes went to Derek who was looking at him with a dead look but Stiles knew he was secretly hoping he'd change his mind.  _

 

_They were all in Derek's loft, Stiles was shirtless and sitting on the table with all the members of the pack_ _forming a circle around him and Deaton who was holding a sharp stick made out of Nemeton's wood._

 

_ Stiles paused and looked at every single pack member before his eyes went back to Derek's. They stared into each others eyes for a long time before Derek slowly nodded, he pained him to do that but knew that Stiles needed the reassurance that nothing would change between them, that he wasn't jeopardizing their relationship. That despite the fact that he knew Derek didn't want this for him he understood why he was doing it and loved him nonetheless. _

 

“ _Do it, doc. I'm ready.”_

 

“ _Ok, everyone hold hands until I'm finished. Stiles this will hurt, it will not only be the breaking of skin but the magic seeping into your body. I can't stop until I'm finished so hold on.” Stiles just nodded and closed his eyes wishing Derek would hold his hand through this but knowing he couldn't. So he opened his eyes and looked at him while Deaton cut on his back with the stick. His breathing got labored with pain and tears filled his eyes but stopped himself from screaming knowing it'd hurt Derek too. The symbol of an emissary was complicated, a series of intertwining triangles. Time seemed to stretch out to infinity and soon Stiles couldn't sit straight anymore._

 

“ _Hold on Stiles, it's almost over.” Deaton voice felt distant, like it was coming from the end of a tunnel. New emotions flooded Stiles' chest, emotions that weren't his own. He knew about this, he knew he'd be able to feel the rest of the pack but this was overwhelming. The feeling of worry was the main, then pride, joy and love. The strongest wave of emotion was coming from Derek of course, Stiles had expected it. He looked at him and smiled through the tears that were now wetting his face._

 

“ _how much longer?” Derek's voice was strained. He was itching to be by Stiles's side, take some of the pain away._

 

“ _Done, I'm done.” At the words Stiles slumped forward fainting and he would have fallen on the floor if Derek hadn't caught him, making him lay on his stomach on the table. The mark was bloody but clear._

 

“ _It'll heal faster than a normal wound, and it will leave a scar that will hardly be visible to human eyes. It's not for the human eyes to see. I'll put a sterile bandage on it until it heals.”_

 

“ _Can I take his pain?” Derek asked. He was afraid of touching Stiles now._

 

“ _Yeah, sure. It won't interfere with the process. You are his alpha after all.” At the words Derek immediately took Stiles hand in his and his veins turned black. Stiles breathed with relief and regained consciousness._

 

_ The rest of the pack remained silent at the exchange, it felt like an intimate gesture between the two, like they were intruding somehow. They all stayed though even if Derek's touch was the only one that could really take the pain away they were all there trying to comfort him. _

 

_ When Stiles' breathing returned to normal, Derek offered to move him to their bed so he could rest more comfortably. Stiles nodded grateful.  _

 

“ _We should go, let him rest. We'll be back tomorrow morning.” Lydia offered despite the disapproving look he got from Scott. She knew they needed to be alone together. Derek just nodded._

 

_ After they all left Derek took Stiles in his arms careful not to touch his upper back and carried him up the stairs to the bedroom. He laid the boy down on the bed and laid down next to him, Stiles turned his head so he could face him. _

 

“ _You okay?” Derek whispered worry in his eyes._

 

“ _It burns but I'm okay.” At his words Derek touched him and took some more of his pain away._

“ _You're worried, don't be. I'm really okay.”_

 

“ _It's starting already isn't it? You can feel what I'm feeling.” Stiles smiled and nodded._

 

“ _No more lying sourwolf.” Stiles spoke with his eyes closed, his voice tired._

 

“ _Sleep, I'll be right here.” He covered Stiles body with a blanket only leaving his upper back out. He took the teen's hand in his and brushed it with his thumb as Stiles fell asleep. He had been incredibly brave that night, Derek was in awe of him. But still he couldn't shake the fear of the danger that surely laid ahead._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The symbol carved into Stiles' back is this one,  
> http://thecenterforspiritualpeacemaking.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/da-e-dub.jpg?w=480  
> I googled "emissary symbols" and this came out. I thought it was pretty cool and it shows all the qualities an emissary should have.


	5. Chapter 5

Stiles was the first to reach the animal clinic, he got out of the car and looked at his phone for the first time in days and noticed the unanswered messages and emails. There were a couple from his college friends wanting to hang out and many from Ethan wondering where Stiles had disappeared to. He hadn't had the courage to tell him he was going back to Beacon Hills. 

 

Ethan had left before Stiles, just after Aiden died. Once Stiles reached the big city he contacted him, to see how he was doing. He was never a big fan of the twins, quite the contrary actually, but seeing a friendly face would do him good. So they met, hang out a few times and one thing had lead to another. The attraction was there and Stiles was too down after the break-up for something serious so they began sleeping together once in a while, they were definitely not together, but cared enough to notice when one had left town apparently. There were a few missed calls from him too, so Stiles checked if it was appropriate time to call someone and called him.

 

“Hey Stiles, where the hell have you disappeared to? I wanted to hang out last night.” A sleepy Ethan answered the phone.

 

“Hey man, I'm back home.” Ethan was silent. 

 

“What the hell are you doing back there?” One thing they had bonded over was never wanting to go back to the small town ever again.

 

“Emissary stuff, nothing serious though. I'll be back in a few days, a week max.” Or at least he thought, but Ethan didn't need to know that. They weren't serious enough for Stiles to have to be honest.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Try not to get sucked in all that mess again alright? I want to be the only one doing the sucking”

 

Stiles chuckled but otherwise remained silent. 

 

“Seriously though, you were a mess last time.”

Stiles smiled bitterly, he was a mess and Ethan had helped some. He turned out to be a decent friend when he wasn't dragged into trouble by his brother. They were, how was the thing everyone kept saying? Oh yeah, friends with benefits. 

 

“I'll try, I promise. See you man”

 

“Take care Stiles.”

 

Stiles didn't notice Derek's car parked behind a big SUV, the man had heard both sides of the phone call and was fuming with rage and maybe more than he was willing to admit, jealousy. He had not the right though, he knew that well. The kid had moved on, wasn't it what he had wanted for him? A normal life? But with Ethan though? Stiles had always loathed the twins, maybe things had changed. Derek hated not knowing about Stiles' life, what he was doing, who were his friends, what was he studying, did he like it? He remembered the nights he had spent in his loft studying or writing essays once he realized how many books Derek owned. During the months after the nogitsune had been trapped in his wooden cage and their relationship could be defined as being more than friends, when they still had to fully realize how deeply they cared for one another and how deeply they could hurt each other, willingly or not. 

 

Scott and Allison arrived on the alpha's motorcycle, followed by Lydia and Isaac both in the same car. Danny hadn't been summoned, he wasn't officially pack, he just hang out sometimes with them or helped when they needed it. 

 

Derek watched Stiles hug the pack, swallowed the sick feeling of jealousy about Ethan and the whole pack being able to touch him and faked his arrival. Took a deep breath and got out of the car. Immediately his eyes met Stiles' across the parking lot. In that moment staring in those deep brown eyes he remembered the light feeling he experienced while being with the boy, the feeling that once in a while things were going well for him, the foreign feeling of being happy, content. And then the dread when reality set in and remembered him that Stiles wasn't his anymore. That all of that was lost, maybe forever. Who said that it was better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all didn't know what he was talking about. He'd have preferred not having known that feeling at all, that having experienced it and lost it.

 

The kid's heartbeat skyrocketed as their eyes met and held. The total opposite reaction of the previous night, but Scott had explained to him Stiles' wasn't feeling the ties to the pack anymore, so he didn't knew he was spying on him last night. He was relieved by that, the kid wasn't immune to him as he had feared, after all. His own heartbeat went up too, and a nasty feeling of regret settled on the pit of his stomach.

 

Stiles was hugging Scott hello and turned to hug Isaac who he hadn't seen in years when his eyes met Derek's above the few cars. 

 

Time slowed down, looking in those deep green eyes brought back the late nights, the touching, the sex, the feeling of not being alone, the laughing. A nasty hollow feeling of panic surged in his stomach, his heartbeat picked up and he felt the need to vomit. Nice, he said to himself, being sick in front of the love of your life who you haven't seen in years would be the highlight of his life. So he breathed deeply and the nausea dissipated, mostly. 

 

Lydia felt the tension in the air “So, now that we're all here, shall we boys?”

 

They all entered leaving Stiles and Derek behind. “Thought I'd never see you again” Derek murmured keeping his eyes to the ground.

 

A shiver ran through Stiles at being so close to the werewolf after so long. “so did I...”

the words hanged in the air, the air crackling with tension Stiles wanted desperately not to be there anymore “but you know me, always ready when the pack needs me” he added through a tight smile, mentally kicking himself. His voice had to be so high and tremulous right now?

 

“Right, the pack.” Derek said before entering the clinic leaving the teen alone. Stiles breathed for a few seconds before following him. He hadn't panicked, it was going well.

 

-o-

 

_ Stiles woke up first as always, his body tangled up with Derek's. It quickly became clear to him that the man couldn't sleep if he wasn't touching him somehow, often completely intertwined with him or spooning. Stiles wasn't complaining, he loved the feeling of protection Derek gave him every time they were close.  _

 

_ He needed coffee, so he carefully moved Derek's arm that was draped protectively over him and stood up. He put his boxers on and looked at the sleeping man, he looked so peaceful, the permanent worry lines on his forehead gone.  _

 

_ Stiles climbed down the stairs and made coffee for the both of them, then went back upstairs. He was still sleeping but not as peacefully, as he had felt his absence in his sleep. He put the mugs on the bedside table and settled back down next to him brushing the hair just above his ear. _

 

“ _Der, time to wake up...” he whispered, his breath tickling Derek's ear. The man stirred and drew Stiles closer until he was half-lying on his chest. He inhaled the teen's hair and smiled to himself. “Good morning” he said knowing Derek was awake and just faking it. “I know you're awake...”_

 

_ But the man refused to open his eyes, this was just too perfect. He was actually afraid to open his eyes. But as he felt the teen's lips on his collarbones he moaned and opened them. _

 

“ _Hey” Stiles whispered._

 

“ _Hey, yourself” Derek answered bringing their lips together. He never woke up smiling, he much preferred the dream world to the real one. But lately it had all been different._

 

“ _I brought you coffee, c'mon sit up” Stiles sat up and took both mugs. Derek obeyed and leaned on the bed frame taking the mug. They both sipped their coffee in silence, Stiles cross-legged in front of him._

 

“ _you know, the last time someone brought me coffee in bed it was Laura, and only because she wanted to borrow my car...” his voice and eyes were distant. Stiles fell silent, Derek never ever spoke about his dead sister, about his all family actually. He didn't say anything, letting Derek talk if he wanted to._

 

“ _she always wanted something, she was the big sister but I was her only brother so I was the cool one.” he smiled at the memory. “we always ganged up on Cora, teased her you know... and she always went running to our mum and dad saying we were being mean to her. And of course the two sisters ganged up on me too, sometimes they'd close themselves in their rooms alone for hours leaving me alone saying they were doing girls stuff”. Stiles smiled, it felt like the perfect family._

 

“ _but on the full moon we would all run together, didn't matter whatever argument we were having at that moment. Sometimes even uncle Matthew and aunt Sarah would join in with my little cousins.” Stiles wanted to ask about them but he had never heard of them before so he assumed they died in the fire too._

 

_ Stiles didn't know what had brought this on, Derek had never talked to anyone about his family. So why suddenly was he remembering them? He was happy he felt he could talk to him about them though. So when he seemed like Derek wasn't going to speak anymore, he shared some of his memories too. _

 

“ _One day when I was about 10, mom and dad brought me to this aqua fun park. There were huge swimming pools with fake waves and tall water slides. It was a really hot day and I remember never wanting to get out of the water. Mom didn't like heights so I went on the slides with my dad and she waited at the end. I could see her from the top of the slide because she was wearing a yellow swimming suit, she was cheering by the time we splashed into the water. Then we all went to jump the fake waves. It was amazing how high they were and mom and dad had to pick me up by both hands and raise me every time a wave hit so I was always above water. It was one perfect day.”_

 

_ He had been so immersed in the memories he didn't notice his eyes had watered up. Derek put down his mug and then took Stiles'. He pulled him until the teen was straddling him, they hugged each other for a long time, mourning the dead and healing each other. He could feel the wetness on his skin but didn't comment on it. They breathed each other scents until they both calmed down and the tears had dried on their faces. Then Derek pulled away slightly and kissed Stiles on the lips. Soft and little wet from the tears they both had shed. Stiles had never felt closer to anyone else before, not even Scott. This was a whole new level of intimacy he didn't know he had needed until now.  _

_ For once since his mother had dies Stiles didn't feel alone. He couldn't know that Derek felt exactly the same in that moment. They weren't alone anymore, they had each other. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised the chapter that explains the Stiles/Ethan tag, there's more to come about those two. I love jealous Derek so I couldn't resist throwing it in even if I know some of you don't like the pairing. But you'll agree with me that our lovelies need a little push sometimes.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr if you want http://dontyouseewhatisee.tumblr.com/ and we can chat about sterek or what you think of the story.


	6. Chapter 6

The whole pack watched them come in, like they were expecting them to have ripped each other throats or something. Stiles made questioning eyes at Lydia and Scott who both shrugged and looked away, then went to greet Deaton. The dark man was the same as ever, he seemed not to have aged a year.

“So Stiles, Scott tells me you can't feel the pack anymore?”

“Yeah doc, not a thing. They all used to feel like warm lights I could find in the dark, I could even feel their emotions if they were strong enough...”

“I wouldn't mind if that was gone...” Lydia commented, Stiles could always tell when she was feeling guilty about sleeping with some poor sophomore. They all rolled their eyes at that.

“Still, despite the eventual inconvenience it could mean the bonds with the pack are gone.”

“But I still feel the magic running through the pacts marks...”

“Can you really? That's a relief, at least all that work isn't gone” Scott added. Derek snorted and all eyes went to him.

“Stiles would you remove your shirt? I want to look at the mark.” Stiles hesitated, he hadn't been that exposed in front of Derek for years. Even after he took the mark he wasn't often he took his shirt off.  
“we girls can step out if you're shy...” Allison teased trying to ease the tension.

Stiles looked at her and rolled his eyes removing his shirt. He had been working out as a way to stay busy and keep his mind off things so he knew he looked better than he had five years ago.

“Someone's been working out.” Lydia commented but her eyes were on Derek whose stare was wandering the room avoiding all eye contacts.

“Scott would you mind looking at it with your alpha eyes, tell me what you see. Derek, Isaac you too.”

“But we're betas...” Isaac asked

“Still, you're wolves. And the mark was made for werewolves to see, not humans.”

The three wolves moved behind Stiles and flashed their eyes red, blue and yellow.

“I can barely see it, I mean it still shimmers but barely.” Scott said.

“I can't see it” Isaac added.

Stiles was waiting for Derek's response, he was the older wolf and even if he wasn't an alpha anymore he was the more experienced of the three. When he didn't speak Deaton asked “Derek, what about you?”

“It's still there, but barely”

“What's that mean?” Allison asked

“And how do we fix it?” Scott asked, worry in his voice. “We need an emissary”

“We could perform the ritual again...” Deaton suggested.

“Absolutely not!” Derek intervened, he couldn't help himself. He remembered well how much pain Stiles had been in and the days it took him to recover. He had been the one to take care of him through it.

“Der...” Stiles began reaching for his arm, it was a habit to calm him down. One it hadn't died down apparently. Derek stopped immediately at the touch and hearing his old nickname, no-one had called him that for a long time and that reassuring tone again anchored him and calmed him down in an instant. Stiles' warm hand on his arm felt so good after so long. Their eyes met and held while the room fell silent.

“Not the whole ritual, I'll just go over the main triangle in the middle. That should be enough to give life back to the magic of the mark”

“Stiles?” Derek asked worried. The two looked at each other, the pack didn't know what he had suffered through the first time, Derek was the only one who knew and there was fear in his eyes now, the same fear Stiles remembered seeing the night he received the mark.

“Just if you feel up to it, buddy.” Scott interrupted the moment.

“You need me, I can't back out now.” Stiles answered and Derek let out a deep breath in defeat. “Let's do it doc, right now.”

“Now?” Allison asked.

“Yeah, why not? We're all here.” Stiles answered.

“And we're all free today, so we can look after you through the side-effects” Lydia suggested.

“Great” Stiles heard Derek say under his breath.

“I'll go find the stick and the herbs we need. You form a circle around Stiles, like last time.” Deaton instructed then left the room.

They all looked at each other and then at Derek and Stiles. “why you all look so tense? I'm the one that's gonna be in pain soon, not you!” Stiles said trying to lighten the mood. “I'll be fine” He said and they all nodded but his eyes were on Derek who simply stared at him for a while before nodding.

They formed a circle around Stiles, Derek right in front of him like last time, and waited for Deaton to come back.

Stiles' mind went back at the first night after he had received the mark. His body had shaken with chills and he was alternatively cold and hot like he was running a fever. He didn't remember much of that night, he had been pretty out of it but through it all he could feel Derek's presence near, watching over him. He could feel his fear deep in his stomach like it was his own, but most of all he could feel the love the werewolf felt for him. He couldn't hide from himself that he desperately wanted to know if those feeling were still there, he had told himself over and over again that he didn't care, that he was over them, over him. So why did it matter so much now knowing? He acknowledged those feeling and filed them over for future obsessing because Deaton was back with the wooden stick from hell.

“ugh, that thing is as sharp as I remembered...” he shivered at the memory and turned around. His eyes fixed on the floor in the middle of Derek's shoes.

Deaton washed the stick in a mixture of herbs and approached Stiles' back “So everybody hold hands and hold until I'm finished. It should be over much sooner than last time. Here we go Stiles.”

Stiles took a deep breath and exhaled waiting for the pain as his body shook with anxiety. At the first pinch he flinched, then the stick dragged through his skin breaking it and he screamed in pain keeping his mouth closed. For all the pain he was feeling it was no good to scream and make everybody feel worse. So he kept breathing like last time and endured the pain.

Deaton was right, it was all over sooner than Stiles expected. It took a good half an hour the first time and not it was over in just over five minutes. Still Stiles felt drained.

“the all mark shimmers pretty bright, so I guess redrawing just the main triangle was enough” Deaton announced and they all broke the circle reaching for Stiles. Derek took Stiles hand and squeezed, he squeezed back smiling but without the physical strength to look up at the green eyes he knew were looking at him.

Deaton covered the mark with a bandage covered in the same mixture he had dipped the stick in, secured it with paper tape and helped Stiles put his shirt back on.

“Let's get you home bud” Scott said “Can you walk?” Stiles nodded but when he tried to stand off the table his knees gave but Scott and Derek caught him under his arms and carried him out. “We got you”

Lydia stayed behind with Isaac and Allison, the two girls looked at each other knowingly. “So the spark is still definitely there...” Lydia suggested. Isaac and Allison nodded.

“Isaac have you hidden some of Stiles old clothes in Derek's closet?”

“Yep, they weren't even that hard to find. He kept them at the back of the closet.” Lydia smiled at him. “And he found them already this morning, he was there sitting on his bed staring at the closet for ages...”

“Good. Allison are you sure Scott knows what he has to say?”

“He's been well instructed.” she grinned at her best friend.

“Excellent, if those two have decided to be stubborn and stay away from each other, those little reminders should be enough to ignite the right spark. Plus I called Ethan and asked to call Stiles pretty often so that should be fun.”

“You're evil” Isaac said with a smile.

“No, they are evil to keep pretending they don't love each other, I'm just giving fate a little helping hand.”

-o-

_Allison got into her car and rushed to Lydia's house as soon as she got her doubts confirmed by Scott. She parked and got out in a hurry, ringed the doorbell and waited impatiently, Mrs Martin answered the door with a smile._

_“Hi Allison, Lydia's been waiting for you, she's upstairs.”_

_“Thanks a lot!” she said running up the stairs, through the hall and into Lydia's room where she shut the door and turned to face her redhead friend._

_“You. Were. Right. I can't believe it! Not even Scott or Isaac had picked up on it until I made them take notice.”_

_Lydia sat cross-legged on her bed with a big knowing smile on her face. “They might be wolves but I'm me and a tension like that could only mean one thing”_

_“Wow. Derek and Stiles. Just wow.” Allison sat next to the other girl on the bed and giggled with her. “Who'd have imagined? Aside from you, I mean...” she added when Lydia looked at her._

_“Well it makes sense if you think about it. They're both smart, lost family young, have trust issues, they'll be good for each other. Have you noticed how more well-balanced Derek is lately? And Stiles doesn't fidget as much.”_

_“Scott couldn't believe they could overcome their differences... but I guess they did.”_

_“I guess yeah, in the end it's more what draws them together than what keeps them apart. They've both suffered and lost so much, they deserve someone good in their life, someone they can lean into, hold on to when things get tough, they deserve each other Alli. I'm very happy for them” her eyes watered up a little, Allison noticed and hugged her._

_“You'll find someone too, Lyds. I promise.”_

_“I can't wait to tease them to death” Allison squealed to lighten the mood._

_“No, Alli please. We don't know how far along they've gotten. I don't even know if they're together-together! I know they are something... maybe they're not ready to acknowledge it yet. Best not to push. If things get serious Scott and Isaac will eventually pick up on it and tell us. For now let's just wait and see and maybe give a hand if things stall. Okay?”_

_“Yeah, you're right. Better not spook them.” She winked at her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is shorter than usual but I wanted to post something tonight. 
> 
> Please take the time to leave a kudo or better yet comment. You have no idea how much reading what you think means to me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, Enjoy!
> 
> This chapter gave a hard time, I really want to know if you like it.

Stiles felt physically weak and emotionally overwhelmed by the onslaught of feelings coming from all the members of the pack. He couldn't discern what came from who yet, it was all mixed and difficult to decipher now but strong like being hit by a wall.

 

“Where are your keys Stiles?” Derek asked as soon as they had laid Stiles face down on the backseat of his car.

 

“Pocket” Stiles whispered knowing the two werewolves could still hear him. He was awake but barely, Scott had taken away most of his pain and he was just numb, for now. He closed his eyes, they must have thought he fell asleep because their voices were lower than usual, he could barely hear them.

 

“Have Isaac bring the jeep to his house, I'll meet you guys there.” Derek said handing over the keys to Scott. Then he felt his hair being brushed back.

 

“It's okay that you still care Derek.” He heard Scott soft voice say. He couldn't believe they were talking about their relationship. The hand on his hair disappeared.

 

“I care just because he's pack. Don't read too much into it.” Derek's voice was a little too hard to be detached. He could almost hear Scott's eyes rolling.

 

“Fine, be that way. Go, we'll meet you back at the house. My mom should be there.” he warned him.

 

Then it was silence for a few minutes, he could hear voices but they were too far away from the car window from him to hear. He heard Derek climb in and the car starting, then he finally drifted off.

 

Derek felt like he had to very careful from now on, he had to keep his feelings in check more than ever now that Stiles' abilities were back. He drove fast but carefully to Stiles' house keeping check of the boy's heartbeat and breathing the whole time. He didn't even have to concentrate that hard, his hears were so attuned to it, old habits.

 

Scott had to have warned his mom that they were coming because the woman was waiting in the front porch hands fidgeting. She approached as soon as he parked the car in the driveway.

 

“How is he?” she asked, she was worried. Derek could smell the fear on her. He had always admired the way she cared for Stiles, like the mother he didn't have anymore.

 

“Fine, he fell asleep I think.” He opened the back door of the car and careful not to touch the fresh mark picked Stiles up and carried him inside. Holding him in his arms after so long was heaven, despite the circumstances, his scent was so strong and Derek breathed it in as much as he could without it being obvious.

 

To carry him without touching his back Derek had to hold him like a baby, one arm under his thighs the other holding his head so he didn't fall over. It felt like the many hugs they shared, Stiles was in and out of consciousness, and the closeness, the strength of Derek's arms and body made him feel so safe. His brain wasn't awake enough to know that this was supposed to be wrong, they weren't together anymore, he wasn't allowed to bask in all the feelings the werewolf still ignited in him. But he craved them, especially when he was feeling weak and helpless.

 

Soon he was lowered to his bed and opened his eyes at the loss of warmth. He looked around recognizing his room, and then focused on Melissa worried face.

 

“Hey, kiddo. How are you feeling?” she asked softly brushing his hair in a motherly gesture that felt foreign to Stiles, so used to Derek's rough touch in his hair. He mentally kicked himself, he shouldn't even remember how that felt like. He could feel him in the background, he was there but out of his sight. He smiled at Melissa and mouthed “I'm fine” to her.

 

He felt more than heard the others arriving at the house, all their bright and warm lights were back. He could feel them loud and clear now. They were all climbing up the stairs.

 

“How did you get here so fast? Were you driving like a maniac again?” Lydia accused the older werewolf as soon as she got in the room. There was no answer then Derek's presence got further away and disappeared. He must've got in his car and drove away, Stiles almost sighed in relief.

 

Scott kneeled next to the bed “You okay?”

 

“I'm fine guys, please stop worrying. Your emotions are making me nauseous.” Stiles said closing his eyes once again. His head was spinning and that made him want to vomit.

 

“I think that might be me Stiles, sorry. You know, morning sickness.” Allison apologized and Stiles felt like laughing. Great, he was feeling his best friend's wife's morning sickness. How is this my life, he thought to himself.

 

“Great.” he murmured.

 

“Maybe if I go downstairs it'll get better. At least until you get a hold of it again.” Allison offered.

 

“Yeah maybe that's better Alli.” Melissa said “and I want to check him out anyway, so all of you out, there's food downstairs.” Allison, Lydia, Isaac and Scott followed the order and left the room.

 

“Thanks, all their feeling were really making me sick.” Stiles murmured, his voice muffled by the pillow.

 

“Was it this strong before?” she asked as she pressed two fingers to his wrist feeling his pulse.

“At first yes, but then I got used to it and could shut them out. It gets overwhelming.” He smiled at himself as he remembered feeling horny along with Scott and Allison, ashamed of sleeping around along with Lydia and general awkwardness from Isaac. And then Derek... but he always loved feeling Derek's emotions. The guy was so closed off it was a relief to be able to finally realize he had feelings for all of them and him especially.

 

Melissa finished checking him out and declared he had to rest. Something Stiles was more than happy to do.

 

“Rest for a while and come down when you feel better. I'm guess no-one will be leaving anytime soon.”

 

Derek left, he thought to himself. But he really couldn't blame him. The weirdness and tension between them was too much, he was relieved he had left. He couldn't handle his own mixed feelings for the guy right now, let alone Derek's.

 

Melissa shut the door and left him to his thoughts. He really wished Derek hadn't taken him up to his room. He had wanted to avoid it at all costs but no sir, he had to take him to memories grand central. Stiles shut his eyes and tried not to think, failing miserably.

 

 -o-

 

_Stiles sat cross-legged in the middle of his bed with the crumpled up piece of paper in his hands. The window was open letting in the night air, a new shiver ran through his spine as the ghost of Derek's touch reverberated through him. He didn't like Derek Hale... or did he? The guy was objectively good-looking and brooding in a sexy kind of way. And the protectiveness he was exhibiting lately toward the pack was kind of hot, when he wasn't threatened by his uncle or an alpha pack Derek turned out to be a good leader who cared for his pack, even the non-werewolves members of it. He had let Isaac move in with him and took the alpha status back from Scott when he wasn't ready to bear the responsibilities, he had gracefully let Ethan go when he didn't want to live in the place where his brother was killed, he had lead the pack into deep research into Lydia and helped her come into her powers, struck a strong deal with the Argents and consequently Allison had become a full-on member of the pack and he wasn't snapping at Stiles as much lately. He recognized that he was going through a rough patch after the nogitsune and didn't push but had acknowledged that he was the best when it came to research and often asked him for advice. He, along with Scott, had been there to ground him and lately Derek had spent most of his nights alone with him watching tv shows when he couldn't sleep._

 

_So he was a good person... but did he like him, like him? Last night he had kissed him back, Stiles remembered being the one to initiate the kiss but he had been the one to show intent by cradling his face in his hand. Stiles sighed at the memory of his touch, he had liked it a lot, that much he couldn't deny, but he wasn't ready to explain what had triggered the intimacy in the first place. He didn't know himself._

 

_He reread he note for the one-hundredth time. They needed to talk, that much was obvious but he hadn't been able to muster enough courage to call him or text him or go to him. So he sat in his room silent, thinking, trying to wrap his head around what happened and trying to understand it. He had been doing that all day, ignoring his homework or the housework his father had asked him to do._

 

_If he didn't go to him, Derek would come to him. That much was sure, he wasn't the type to leave things up in the air and they had been spending all their nights together lately so it was just a matter of time before he showed up. Thank God his father was working tonight, so they could have whatever conversation they needed to have without the threat of the sheriff overhearing._

 

_A soft knock on the side of the window startled Stiles even if he was expecting visits, he turned and Derek's face peeked from the windowsill._

 

“ _Can I come in?” he asked softly, his face serious._

 

“ _Sure” Stiles hoped his voice didn't sound as weak as he felt it._

 

“ _You okay? Your heart is racing...” oh great, of course he could hear his heart trying to bruise his ribs._

 

“ _I'm fine, just a little nervous I guess.” the teen answered without looking up._

 

“ _Look, we don't have to talk right away. We can just hang like any other night really, I don't want to make you anxious or anything...” the worry in his voice melted Stiles' insecurities and he was struck by what it felt like a revelation to him. Derek cared. About him. For real._

 

“ _No, it's just... I don't know how to explain what happened last night. I've been thinking about it all day and I can't come up with anything. It just felt like the natural thing to do in that moment...”_

 

“ _Well that's good.” he murmured and Stiles could hear the smile in his voice. He had to look at him and what he saw was beautiful. Derek was smiling, not a full-on with teeth smile, but a shy kind of smile Stiles' had never seen. It reached his eyes and made them sparkle in the dim light coming from the bedside table._

 

“ _I just never thought you felt that way about me... it caught me by surprise I guess... I didn't even think you liked me...” Stiles said quickly before he lost the courage. “I mean why would you?” he added as an afterthought with a small voice, almost talking to himself._

 

_The shy smile fell from Derek's lips and his whole face became suddenly serious and a little sad._

 

“ _Stiles...” Derek began and a shiver run Stiles' spine at hearing his name spoken in such a serious deep voice. He looked up only to see Derek kneel in front of him, his big hands on his thighs, Stiles shuddered all over. “I like you because you're brave, because despite your mind being possessed by a very powerful spirit you tried and managed to stay in control for as long as you could. You're an annoying sarcastic little shit sometimes but you make up for it being useful when we most need you to be.”_

 

_That was the most he had heard the werewolf speak for the whole time he'd known him and what he was saying was so out of character for him that he couldn't help but stare at him while he spoke, drinking in every word, every little movement of his eyes and lips._

 

_He covered Derek's big hands with his and intertwined their fingers, he noticed how his light complexion stood out against Derek's darkest one and smiled at himself. The man had the warmest hands and he could feel himself settle, his breathing steady. He felt safe._

 

“ _Is it enough if we agree that there's something here, without having to label it or anything? I don't think I'm ready for that yet.” Stiles murmured keeping his eyes on their intertwined hands._

 

_At the silence that followed he had to look up and was rewarded with another of Derek's shy beautiful smiles. He smiled back._

 

“ _Sure, whatever you need.” Derek said softly and squeezed his hands._

 

“ _Want to go downstairs and watch tv until you fall asleep?” Derek offered breaking the tense silence._

 

“ _Sure...”_

 

_They headed downstairs and Stiles turned the tv on to the latest tv show marathon, they sat close to each other. Stiles wanted to lean on Derek like he had done while sleeping the night before but didn't know how to say that without making it weird._

 

_Derek sensed the tension in Stiles' body and turned to him raising his arm and resting in on the back of the couch. Stiles smiled at him and moved closer until his head was resting on Derek's chest._

 

“ _Is it okay if I...?” Derek began moving his arm to Stiles' shoulder. Stiles just nodded happily and settled in the werewolf warm embrace. The man was pure muscle but when he was relaxed like that there was an underlining softness to him that drew Stiles closer, one arm on Derek stomach._

 

_Stiles felt completely safe for the first time since the nogitsune, or even before Scott was bitten in the first place and his whole world changed with him. The warmth, the scent he was inhaling with every breath, it was perfect._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the 110+ kudos and the comments! You guys make my day!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay but in my defence this chapter is longer than the others. Enjoy, actually I know you will.

The feeling of being watched woke Stiles up but he couldn't be sure if he was awake or still dreaming. His body felt heavy and he was cocooned in feelings of love and safety. He knew there was someone close to him but his brain was refusing to wake up enough to let him open his eyes and find out who. And he felt so good just lying there, not worrying, not thinking clearly enough to form coherent thoughts. The feeling was familiar though, he knew he had felt this way before but in that groggy state he couldn't figure out when. It was like the person next to him was emanating waves of calmness and security.

 

_Derek._

 

His brain formed the image of the man and his heartbeat and breathing picked up. That's when he felt a hand stroke the hair just above his ear. He concentrated on the good feelings instead of who it was causing them and eventually fell asleep again.

 

When he woke up the next time he immediately opened his eyes, he wanted to make sure it was really Derek he had felt or his mind had made him up like it had happened so many times when he was away.

 

The room was empty, no sign of anyone anywhere. The light coming from the drawn blinds was orange, he had slept all day. He slowly moved, careful not to touch his back to the sheets and sat down on the edge of the bed. There was a glass of water on the nightstand with two pills of what Stiles recognized to be painkillers, but his back wasn't hurting that bad, just a dull ache so he ignored the pills and drank the whole glass instead.

 

In that moment the door opened and Lydia's face peeked in.

 

“hey, you're awake. I was coming up to check on you. How are you feeling?” she smiled as she entered the room and set next to Stiles.

 

“Better, I'm not getting any emotions off of you so I guess I have it back in check.” Stiles answered after a few seconds.

 

“Good.”

 

Stiles paused. There was only one way to make sure that Derek had really been there at some point during the day and he hadn't dreamed it. Lydia wouldn't judge him for asking.

 

“Was Derek here?” he whispered. The man's name was weird to say after all those years.

 

Lydia looked at him smiling to herself. “He left right after he brought you here but came back through the window a couple hours after and stayed all afternoon. He left about an hour ago.”

 

Stiles just nodded. “I guess he didn't want to face our questions as in why he didn't want to leave your side.” Lydia added. “Did you feel him?” she asked softly.

 

The boy nodded “Yeah, I thought I had dreamed it.”

 

“No Stiles, he was really here watching over you.”

 

Stiles took his head in his hands and leaned forward. He wasn't supposed to care, they were over, done. Derek had broke it off, been silent for years. So why was he acting like this now? And why was he happy he was there next to him? Why his body still felt his presence?

 

“Stiles are you okay? Are you in pain? You want me to call Scott?” Lydia asked alarmed by his position.

  
Stiles just shook his head. Lydia understood that it wasn't physical pain that he was feeling and moved to kneel in front of him. She forced him to look at her, there were tears streaming down Stiles' face when he looked up.

 

“What am I gonna do? This was supposed to be over Lydia, I was supposed to be over him. I can't deal with this, I don't understand why I can't just get over him.” he murmured in a broken voice through the tears. “It's like my body won't let me let him go, I'm so attuned to him. It was better when I was away, I still missed him but it's worse when I know he's close, when I could just reach out and... What am I gonna do? We're supposed to be over!”

 

All the tension he had been repressing for the past two days and the hurt of the last 5 years came rushing back all at once and Stiles couldn't stop the steady stream of tears falling from his eyes. Lydia let him cry, let him talk, let him ask the questions she knew he had already the answers of.

After he had calmed down she took his hands in hers.

 

“Stiles, you love him. You can't just get over that.”

 

It was simple, but the truth. Stiles knew that, he had tried to repress it, bury it, forget about it but it hadn't worked. All it took was a few days back in the places where it all started for it to rush back to him. And make it real again.

 

Stiles phone vibrated on the nightstand breaking the moment, it was Ethan calling.

 

“You're not answering that?” Lydia asked. Stiles didn't remember putting the phone on vibrate.

 

“No, it's Ethan and I don't really want to deal with him right now. I'm a mess enough as it is.” Stiles said putting the phone on his leg waiting for it to stop vibrating to check if he had messages.

 

“How are things with him?” Lydia asked genuinely curious.

 

“Nothing serious, we hang out.” Lydia looked at him pointedly “and hooked up a few times but we're so different in so many ways. I can't see a future there.” he added.

 

What Stiles didn't say it was that Ethan kept trying for more but he was still too closed off to try again so soon. Even if 5 years had passed, as Ethan kept reminding him, it still felt too soon to Stiles. Even the mere fact that Ethan didn't understand why he wasn't ready was making it clear to Stiles that he didn't get him. It was also true that Ethan hadn't been there when he and Derek were officially together so he couldn't understand.

 

Also they weren't the best fit sexually, Ethan was more of the dominant kind but Stiles hadn't bottomed for anyone since Derek. He just hadn't felt secure enough to do that with anyone since him. So they hooked up and got each other off but that was it and Ethan was beginning to be pushy about it, something that annoyed Stiles to no end.

 

When the phone finally stopped vibrating Stiles noticed a few missed calls all from Ethan, some of them were from this afternoon. That's why he left, Stiles thought to himself, he saw Ethan calling me. He felt the sudden urge to explain himself to Derek before remembering he didn't owe him any explanation, they weren't a couple.

 

Lydia watched him in silence, it was obvious Stiles still loved Derek, she had always thought they were a perfect fit. Even when they had broke it off and hurt each other, she feared sometimes irreparably, she had always felt like they belonged together. But they were stubborn, proud and had a hard time trusting anyone, even each other.

 

“What do you want Stiles? Do you want him back?” she asked simply. Stiles flinched like someone had struck him with a pointed stick and turned to look at her in the eyes. His eyes wide. He looked at her for a long time, she could see fear in them, fear to be hurt again?

 

“He was the one who broke up with me Lyds, I've been trying to move on”. Stiles finally answered bringing his eyes down again.

 

“Please Stiles, any idiot can see he still cares about you. If you wanted you know you could have him back.” she answered rolling her eyes at him.

 

Stiles didn't answer, he didn't know what he wanted. “It's more complicated than that. Let's just get through this thing first and we'll figure out my love life later, ok?” He tried to dodge the subject, he had been trying to get over Derek for so long and sometimes he thought he had succeeded but then something would happen, a memory would come back to him and every certainty he had came crashing down.

  
“Fine but you should at least talk to him about this watching you sleep thing, I can't decide if it's romantic or creepy” she said trying to lighten the mood.

 

Stiles chuckled, he hadn't always been fond of the way Derek stared at him while he slept but he had grown to like it eventually and then he found he loved waking up the man looking at him with a shy smile on his lips and sparkling eyes. He missed that, like he missed many many other things about him.

 

“Are you hungry? We were just starting to eat when I came up.” Lydia interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Sure” he said pushing his feelings to the back of his head once more and following Lydia.

 

-o-

 

“ _I still can't believe you have so many books about the French Revolution, if I had known it before I wouldn't have wasted precious hours at the school library. That place gives me the creeps after dark.” Stiles said happily turning a few pages in a book then switching to another. “This paper is turning out to be so much easier than anticipated, I owe you one man!”_

 

_Stiles and Derek were alone in the main area of the loft, Isaac had disappeared to his room rolling his eyes when the two had started talking about French monarchs. Stiles was writing his paper on the consequences of the French Revolution while Derek lounged on the couch with a book on his lap occasionally debating with Stiles on some historian's point of view. It was getting late but neither of the two seemed to care._

 

_It had been two weeks since they had kissed and neither of them had brought it up after that first conversation the night after it happened. They had started to spend more and more time together though, finding more and more things they had in common and enjoying each other company. But none of them seemed to build up enough courage to kiss the other again._

 

_Stiles raised his head from the massive book he was flipping through to ask Derek if he had a book dedicated only to the Reign of Terror but stopped at the sight before him. Derek was sitting on the couch, a leg propped on it the other on the floor, his head down deeply immersed in the book he was reading. The light coming from the window behind Stiles hit his eyelashes casting shadows on the man's cheek, his stubble looking particularly dark in the crooked light. His hair disheveled by his running his hands through it as Stiles drove him crazy with history questions. Stiles just stared at him for a while, completely forgetting what he was supposed to ask him and wondering how would it feel to run his hands through his hair instead._

 

_He could do that. He didn't have to stop himself, he was the one who had set the boundaries after all. Derek hadn't seemed to have the restrains he had. So he stood, Derek immediately raised his head at the sudden movement and their eyes met._

_  
“Are you finished? It's getting late...” his voice faded as soon as Stiles walked over to the couch, put a knee in the space between his legs and half-lied on top of him. All the air Derek had in his lungs vanished as the boy leaned closer, his arms on both sides of his face, his lips mere inches from his._

 

“ _I think I'm ready for more now, Der...” the werewolf's body was so warm and solid under him, Stiles just wanted to have it wrapped around him, draped over him like a blanket. Derek's arms came to rest on the small of Stiles' back hugging him closer and the boy's breath itched._

 

_Derek looked into his eyes searching, after a while he seemed to have found whatever he was looking for because he brought his lips to Stiles'. The teen moaned softly and then blushed for it, but Derek seemed to like it because he held him tighter. Stiles felt Derek's tongue caressing his bottom lip and opened his mouth to him. The loud moan that escaped the teen when their tongues met brought another wave of blushing to his face, why he had to act like a virgin teenager being properly kissed for the first time? Oh, yeah. Because he was! Stiles couldn't believe this was really happening, this felt too much like a dream. Derek's scent alone was heady enough that he could pass for something out of a fantasy. His stubble that Stiles had thought to be scratchy was soft against his face and the hair he had dreamed of running his hands through was thick and silky._

 

_But Stiles wanted him above him so he leaned back bringing his arms around his neck forcing Derek to lean forward. “Is this okay?” Derek asked, his voice low. Was he really asking him that?_

_Stiles just nodded and kissed him again. Their legs tangled together and one of Derek's ended up between Stiles'. The teen felt a rush of warmth coming from underneath, he was feeling himself getting hard at the new position. Things heated up even more when Derek left his lips to kiss his jaw, then neck and finally concentrating on the spot where his neck met his shoulders. Stiles' world spun and he had to hold onto Derek's shoulders to steady himself. Derek's shirt had ran up on his back exposing skin and Stiles found his hands glued to his back, unable to remove them from the skin and the muscles he could feel underneath._

 

“ _Get this off.” He whispered in Derek's ear pulling his shirt by the hem._

 

“ _Are you sure?” his eyes were almost black and Stiles found himself staring at them and not answering._

 

“ _yep, very sure. Get it off, now.” Stiles finally said. Derek smiled the shy smile that was quickly becoming Stiles' favorite because he did it only when he was around. He leaned back and shrug the t-shirt off._

 

_Stiles had seen Derek's chest before, but not up close and personal like this. When he could reach out and touch him, feel the muscles ripple beneath his touch, feel the softness of his skin for once not maimed or bloody. Derek chest rumbled, like a deep growl as his hands went under Stiles t-shirt and hoodie and touched the flesh of his sides. Stiles shivered at the unexpected touch but welcomed it. He knew Derek wouldn't ask him so he took matters into his own hands and pushed him away just enough to give himself space to take the clothes off._

 

_He regretted it immediately, his body surely didn't compare to Derek's. He was skinny and pale, he had some muscles built after years of lacrosse practices but he wasn't even on the same league as Derek's body._

 

_Derek didn't seem to mind though, instead he was smiling again, his eyes on him. The boy's upper body was literally covered in moles, Derek couldn't wait to feel them under his hands and mouth. Stiles felt like covering himself in shame with his arms but Derek stopped him._

 

“ _Don't you dare...” he said covering Stiles body with his own and making the teen forget all his insecurities as their lips met again and their tongues massaged each other._

 

_The skin on skin felt amazing to Stiles, the man was literally radiating heat. Little did he know that Derek had smelled his arousal since he stood from the table, he wasn't sure though if the teen was just ruled by his hormones or really wanted him. But the way he was touching him and the small shy sounds he was making spoke of good feelings, not regret so he kept going. Making sure Stiles was okay every step of the way._

 

_He knew well about doing things before he was really ready, Kate had made sure of that. Making him feel like less of a man if he didn't do what she said. He would never manipulate Stiles like that._

 

_Every thought flew out of his mind as soon as Stiles moved his legs and wrapped them around him. The energy and heat the boy seemed to radiate no matter what he did enveloping him completely, his kisses faltered for a second as him mind registered the position Stiles had put him in._

 

_He knew Stiles was hard, he had felt it pretty much as soon as he laid on top of him, he had caught on soon after but he wasn't sure the teen was ready for that. Stiles seemed to read into his hesitancy and tighten his thighs around him thrusting up making both of them groan and hiss at the sudden friction._

 

_This was getting hot and heavy very fast, faster than Derek had planned to go tonight, but Stiles had apparently other plans. He wasn't joking when he said he was ready._

 

_The sound of the loft door sliding open and then slamming closed startled Stiles who broke their kiss and stared at Derek in fear._

 

“ _What was that?” he asked panicked, last time someone was coming in and out of the loft bad things were happening. But Derek chuckled instead._

 

“ _That was Isaac leaving us alone.” he said. Stiles immediately blushed red. He had completely forgotten about Isaac, and he hadn't been exactly quiet since Derek had started touching him and even more as they had started shamelessly rutting against each other the last couple of minutes._

 

“ _Oh God!” Stiles covered his face with his hands, ashamed._

 

“ _Don't be ashamed, I'm not.” Derek murmured hiding his face in the crook of Stiles' neck and rubbing his stubble against it. “Now we can be even more loud...” he said and thrust into Stiles open legs with purpose. Pleasure bubbled and rushed deep inside him, building slowly._

_  
Stiles forgot all about Isaac and brought his arms around Derek's neck once more trying to bring him even closer, his hands went to his hair and pulled. Derek growled deep in his chest and Stiles smiled, each sliding of Derek's lips on his oversensitive skin brought another wave of pleasure to Stiles body and he was beginning to feel a little desperate to get off. And the thrusting wasn't doing it for him anymore._

 

“ _Der...” Stiles moaned, trying to get the werewolf's attention. Derek immediately looked at him and the teenager's breath hitched at seeing his eyes flashing red. “Touch me” he breathed out dazed by the red eyes that burned brighter as Derek registered his words. The expression on his face seemed to convince him because this time he didn't ask if he was ready._

 

_Stiles heard the low growl rumbling in Derek's chest before he quickly popped open the button of his jeans and eased the zipper down. He had barely time to register that the constriction of his pants wasn't there anymore that Derek's hand slipped inside and started massaging him through his boxers._

 

_Stiles arched his back and let out a chocked really embarrassing sound at the new onslaught of sensations. “Shit Der, that feels...” another moan escaped him as Derek sucked an hickey on his collarbones. It didn't take long for Stiles to come after that._

 

“ _God Stiles, you sound amazing...” Derek murmured low as he caressed Stiles' body through the aftershock of his orgasm._

 

_He hid ashamed and sweaty in Derek's arms after he had come in his pants like a damn teenager. He was afraid to look at Derek now, he had made himself vulnerable to him, opened up and let him in and now he didn't know if the werewolf would still want him._

 

_A pair of deep green eyes looked intensely at him and Stiles felt like he was looking straight through him, he could see his insecurities, Stiles was sure. “You okay babe?” he whispered caressing his slightly sweaty hair._

 

_He smiled at hearing Derek calling him “babe”, before tonight he couldn't have pictured the words coming out of the werewolf's mouth but now that he had, he liked it. A lot._

 

_He was really okay, actually slightly better than okay. Looking into those deep green pools he saw himself through the man's eyes and he could work with what he saw. Derek's eyes still were dark with lust and as he moved against him he could feel why, he was still hard. He swallowed his fears and reached for the elastic band of Derek's pants, the man hissed at his shy touch._

 

“ _You don't have to..” he began. Stiles silenced him with another kiss, he didn't want to think at what he must look like with both his lips and neck beard-burned. But it felt nice, he felt like those marks belonged there. How he would deal with them in the morning was another matter entirely._

 

_Stiles slipped his hand inside Derek's pants and was surprised to find that he wasn't wearing anything underneath, he touched hair and soft skin and then an intimidating hard length._

 

_He stroked him as best as he could hating his inexperience but Derek didn't seem to mind judging from the groans and deep growls coming from him. Then after a while he came too, hiding his face in the teen's neck with a groan that was supposed to be Stiles' name._

 

_He laid his head on Stiles chest after that and the boy stroked his hair, they both stayed like that for a while basking in the afterglow and waiting for their heartbeats to return to normal._

 

“ _I should come over and study more often...” Stiles murmured smiling to himself. Derek raised his head to look at him._

 

“ _Definitely.” he said leaning in for another kiss. “but next time we warn Isaac.”_

 

_Stiles laughed out loud. “Poor Isaac, I bet he wasn't expecting us to start fooling around out of nowhere. He'll be pretty shell-shocked for a while.”_

 

“ _I won't be surprised if he wanted to move back with Scott now...” They both laughed and then looked at each other in surprise, they hadn't seen each other laugh for a very long time._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... sexy times! This is my first time writing something like this so feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading, you are my proud and joy.


	9. Chapter 9

Stiles gave himself only one day to recover from the ritual before he gave Scott the green light for him to arrange the meeting with the other pack. But first Stiles wanted to go over everything they had researched and revise where the borders lay, just to refresh his memory. Of course everything they needed happened to be at Derek's loft, so they would have to meet there. Stiles dreaded the idea but couldn't really object to it much, Scott offered to move everything to his house but Stiles reclined. He needed to prove to everyone and most of all to himself that he could go over there without having a panic attack. 

 

Easier said than done. Half an hour before he had to be at the loft he was sitting in his bedroom still wrapped in the towel after the shower, wondering if he should have accepted Scott's offer after all. He was petrified. The mere idea of going back there and having to face all the memories that still clung to that place was making him unable to move. 

 

How did Derek manage to still live there? A wave of sadness washed over him at the idea that maybe he had really moved on and forgot all about them even if the emotions he got off of him said otherwise. Stiles didn't want to think about that, he was going to give himself an headache.

 

Maybe tonight being around him for an extended period of time he would get a better picture of what Derek was feeling at the moment. With that resolution he rose from the floor and got dressed. 

 

He got into his jeep without letting himself think about what he was doing and where he was going. He got to the intersection that always gave him the chills and sped through a yellow light knowing that if he got stuck at a red light and had time to actually pause and think he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

 

He arrived at the building and saw Scott's motorbike and Lydia's car parked close to Derek's car. The usual spot he used to park his car whenever he was over left free. Just looking at Derek's car gave him chills, this was going to be difficult, he thought to himself. 

 

Stiles parked his car in his usual spot merely to prove to himself that that didn't affect him and got out of the jeep. He took a deep breath trying to steady his shaking sweaty palms and entered the building. 

 

He tried to remember that he had a life outside of all of this, that his whole being didn't have to be determined by Derek and how the werewolf felt about him. He convinced himself that he really didn't felt anything for him anymore it wouldn't be the end of the world, he had a life other that what revolved around him. When all this mess was over he would be able to go back to a life he liked and people he cared about. The world wouldn't end. It wouldn't.

 

He just had to keep reminding himself that and it would all be fine. 

 

He climbed the stairs to the loft and took a deep breath before sliding the door open bracing himself.

 

The scene in front of him was familiar, even though they all looked more grown up. Isaac was lounging on the couch in his sweats and t-shirt looking at home and at ease, all the others were around the main table leaning over some papers. It looked like time had stopped, he might have been looking at the same scene 5 years before only that now Allison had a pretty evident swollen belly and at the center of it all there wasn't Derek, but Scott.

 

They all raised their heads at Stiles' arrival saying hello, the only one who remained silent was Derek who just looked at him clenching and unclenching his jaw. Stiles' knew him enough to know that it was a nervous gesture but brushed it off as tension from the whole situation.

 

“you're here finally!” Lydia said walking to him and taking his hand. She squeezed it lightly and brought him over to the table. 

 

Stiles quickly scanned all of them doing an inventory of all the emotions he was picking up from the people around the table. He picked up a mild concern from Lydia and Allison, gratitude from Scott and an overwhelming sense of unease from Derek.

 

He had expected to pick up all sorts of emotions from him, he had dreaded hate and indifference and hoped for interest or better lust but he never would have expected uneasiness. Derek was _never_ not at ease, for as long as he had known him the werewolf had always given off a vibe of confidence, it was what it had made Stiles like him in the first place, he seemed to always know his place and what he wanted. 

 

Not now apparently. The more he stared at him the more the feeling grew until he had to look away in embarrassment. Derek knew he could feel what he was feeling and he respected the man enough not to embarrass him further. He shut off the room and turned to Scott.

 

“So dude, bring me up to speed.” He said and the alpha began to talk.

 

They discussed strategy, the new borders that had expanded since Stiles last looked at a map, what they knew about the pack and how to best approach them. Apparently the female alpha insisted that her pack had some sort of claim to the Beacon Hills preserve, an absurd claim according to Derek since the territory had had belonged to the Hales for decades. But apparently now that the alpha wasn't a Hale anymore she felt like she could stake a claim, but territories could be passed from alpha to alpha so really it was only matter of explaining that a Hale was still in the pack that controlled the territory and the whole thing should resolve itself. Or they hoped.

 

Stiles felt uncomfortable as Scott explained, it was his fault after all if Derek wasn't the alpha anymore. Even if Derek had sworn to him again and again that he didn't surrendered his status to Scott only for his benefit, Stiles had never really believed him.

 

“so how do we do this? I just go meet them?” Stiles asked.

 

“it's not that easy Stiles, I don't want to put you in any kind of danger and I don't trust this pack at all...” Scott explained and Stiles noticed him peeking nervously at Derek before he started speaking. He knew that look, alpha or not Derek had always that aura of authority that demanded following his orders. 

 

“we set a meeting for tomorrow night, we'll be coming too and staying nearby. You'll be meeting their emissary but I'll bet they will be lurking around so we will too. Just in case.” 

 

It could be because he was hypervigilant of Derek's movements in his peripheral vision but he noticed a weird exchange of looks between him and Lydia. Then she asked about his tattoo, if everything was alright. 

 

“it's fine Lyds, much better than last time. I don't even feel it, you don't need to worry” he answered her but saying the last words he looked at Derek. It was weird how he could still read him like an open book, and right on cue he could feel a wave of shame coming from Derek for being discovered and smiled awkwardly at him. Derek still cared.

 

“Good, now that that's settled we have a sonogram to get to, Scott?” Allison announced.

 

“Sure, if you don't have any other questions we'll go and we'll meet up here tomorrow night an hour before the meeting with the pack” They all nodded.

 

“Scott I'd like to go in the car with Lydia if you don't mind, the bike is amazing and all but I think it's giving me motion sickness.” Allison said, they said their goodbyes and went leaving Isaac, Derek and Stiles alone in the loft.

 

Isaac looked at the both of them and then hurried behind Scott and the girls saying he'd catch a ride because he needed something in town. It was a straight up lie but Stiles couldn't really blame him for it.

 

Derek and Stiles were left alone in the silence looking at each other. A million memories echoing in the space around them. 

 

-o-

 

 

“ _WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!” Stiles came shouting through the loft doors, Scott right behind him._

 

_ Derek didn't turn, he kept staring out at the window into the darkness.  _

 

“ _Derek look at me!” the man remained unmoving “Damn it Derek, turn around and fucking look at me!” He was getting desperate now. He knew what had happened, in his head he could even imagine why but until he saw it with his very eyes he couldn't believe Derek had done what apparently he had done._

 

“ _Scott, leave us please.” Derek spoke without turning, his voice cold like stone._

 

“ _Are you sure? I mean you two look ready to kill each other so...” Scott stuttered_

 

_ Stiles turned around and looked at his best friend with pleading eyes. Derek had never been much of a talker, even less if he had an audience and Stiles hoped to get some answers out of him once they were alone. _

 

“ _Fine, I'm going.”_

 

_ Derek waited for Scott to be out of earshot and then turned. _

 

_ Stiles walked closer until he was just a few inches from Derek's face. “Show me, or I won't believe it” he pleaded close to tears. _

 

_ Derek closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and slowly opened them again. Gone was the alpha red, they now glowed electric blue. The boy sighed and took the man's head in his hands, his thumbs brushing Derek's face just under the eyes. _

 

“ _Why did you do this?” he asked, his voice broken._

 

“ _You know why...” he said, his hand tracing the fresh mark that peeked out Stiles' t-shirt. The mark that sealed the peace deal they had struck with the other pack._

 

“ _I don't believe it. Seriously Derek, I don't understand.” and he really didn't. He knew Derek feared that being with the alpha of the pack would put him more in the spotlight during negotiations but it seemed such a big overreaction to lose his alpha status for this._

 

“ _I...” Derek started, Stiles gave him time. He took the werewolf's hand and lead him to the couch where they sat close together. Derek couldn't look at the boy for a long time, Stiles knew he was trying to find the words to explain himself right. He took both of Derek's hands in his and waited._

 

_ When Derek finally raised his head and started talking Stiles was mesmerized by the raw honesty he could see into them. _

 

“ _I couldn't stand it. When we met with that pack they knew you were more of just the pack's emissary, they could smell me on you despite how careful we had been. I could see them watching you with interest and I was afraid to let you out of my sight for even a minute for fear they'd use our connection as leverage.” He spoke carefully choosing every word with care._

 

_ Stiles could understand on an emotional level but rationally?  _

 

“ _But Derek... I understand how you feel but seriously, you are an alpha and I'm an emissary. We kind of signed up to live in some kind of danger. And it was only twice that I had to negotiate with other packs and the first time was a walk in the park. I don't understand why you are so worried now.”_

 

“ _Exactly because the first time it went so smoothly, I lowered my guard and when the second pack came and wanted to talk to you and watched you like that and noticed how valuable you were and how they could use you to their advantage. It made me sick to my stomach that I was the reason you were in danger. I just couldn't bear it. I know it's weak...” Stiles saw how frantic he was getting and stopped him with a kiss. He lingered close for a while, their lips touching and bodies close. When Derek's breathing had calmed down they parted and Stiles spoke again._

 

“ _First of all it's not weak,_ you _are not weak. I would not tolerate you talking about yourself like that, caring for people does not make you weak, okay?” He waited for Derek to nod at him and continued “and then you weren't the one putting me in danger, I signed up for this on my own. I know what being the emissary entailed, I knew that going in and despite everything I never regretted it until now. Derek please don't do this, don't make us the reason you lose the power you were born to have.” but the werewolf was shaking his head._

 

“ _It's done Stiles” he said, his voice cold. “I can't go back now, it was one way street”_

 

“ _You know I know that's not true, Scott gave you his alpha status before.”_

 

“ _This time is different, I gave it up willingly. The only way I'd be an alpha again is if I killed one and I'm not doing that. And besides I don't want to be an alpha anymore, not when the stakes for me are so high.” he said matter-of-factly._

 

_ Stiles understood his reasoning and could relate. The fear of losing people you love was rooted deep within him too. But he had only lost his mother, Derek had lost his entire family. Stiles had no more arguments, he knew the werewolf would devalue and destroy every single one of them so instead of arguing some more he just hugged him.  _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry I disappeared like that. I swore to myself I'd never be that kind of writer who leaves his reader hanging and then I did. I'm so disappointed in myself and again so sorry to have left you waiting. You don't have to care about my personal problems but I've been having some difficult times and I guess I didn't feel like writing. I really hope that now I'll be well enough to give you more pretty soon. I really hope you are all still there to read. Your comments mean to me more than I can say.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make this insicure writer very happy!


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